I just spent two hours alternately staring blankly at my computer screen and checking my phone. I walked around the office once, twice, three times. I asked all of my co-workers if they had anything they needed help with.
I guess you could say I have some down time.
There’s something about trying to look busy when you are not that really hurts my mood. It’s not just starting at a computer screen blankly, clicking random buttons in an attempt to look busy. It’s about what my brain is doing while it is not otherwise occupied with work related tasks – and what it does it think, think, think. Case in point: I’m going to Washington DC soon to record for another podcast (the Grey Council – check it out) during a neo-nazi rally. Will it be safe? Do we really have the money to do something like that? Obviously not, there are so many other things to do to fix up the house, fix my care – oh, my car. I need a new tire and an oil change stat, but I couldn’t pull it off this week because we had some major plumbing problems that needed fixed immediately. That on top of the car payment which I KNOW I shouldn’t have agreed to such a high payment. What was I thinking?
On and on, my brain goes. Finances. (going to end up living in a box). Health (that spot on the back of my hand – is it melanoma?). Responsibilities (there’s so much to do at home and I’m stuck here). It’s on days like this that my mood will inevitably start to flag. It’s only a matter of time before I start thinking of things that I don’t want to be thinking about – the really scary, disturbing things – start to take over. Perhaps that’s what was meant by the “low tolerance for boredom” article I found when I googled bipolar and boredom.
Honestly, I don’t really even know if that’s the fault of my Bipolar Disorder (well, the too-expensive car probably is) or if everyone’s mood is affected by severe boredom. I figure that almost everyone is. The difference, as with everything, is a matter of degree. Could it put me into a tailspin? The past few days have been very stable, and I hardly want to break that streak. Then again, I am allowed to have feelings, right? Not every thougth that passes through my head is a symptomatic thought.
Three hours, now.
I suppose this blog is a way of keeping my thoughts from entering that dreaded spiral. It forces me into coherent thought. Well, I’d like to think that it is coherent thought, anyway.
Why is it that boredom can make you turn on a dime? I think part of it has to be the unrestrained/untamed mind set loose, while the body is assigned to a seat in which it must sit. If the body, like the mind, was allowed freedom of place and of movement, then a balance could be achieved. Boredom is, essentially, imbalance. It forces the mind to turn on itself for distraction, and ultimately the mind is going to fall back into those patterns which have already been well entrenched. Unfortunately for me, those patterns have more to do with trauma than anything else.
I think part of it is also the useless feeling that comes up when I can’t be completing a task or accomplishing something, even if it’s just the hum drum workaday stuff that I do every day.
32 minutes until lunch. I don’t know if I can take this much longer. How do I have NOTHING to do? How is it possible?